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Tuesday

Tenger Mongol Gazar 7


...I had everything, nothing to miss in material terms. But still something was missing inside and it was happiness. There were sickness and problems. Despite of my sincere attempts, I was failing. Then I started to approach different religions for help. I supported my husband to become a Christian and kept my regular visit to Gandan (Buddhist monastery) to order the prayers for my family. On my way to Gandan, I used to visit and ask for help from all those who promised that they can help. Then I went to shaman also. All of them told me that after their rituals, everything will be fine and I believed them. However, all of these were just a mere vain. Because I didn't have real faith and all of them lacked the truth. And this is also what has happened to human history. Is search for the help and truth, they have founded many religions, and chose to follow what seemed to be the sincerest to them. However, none of them helped me.

And suddenly one day I was told by a shaman that I have to become a shaman. But I didn't understand anything due to my ignorance. That time, my perception about shamans was that they are invited to somewhere, usually at night and do something to work out with demons while drinking alcohol, so I didn't want to follow such lifestyle. Plus, I never saw a demon nor a ghost, so I didn't understand such things. However, I was totally in shock when heard that my son also has to become a shaman, if not, he will die. I wouldn't dare to lose my dear son just because of my stubbornness and ignorance. When I witnessed that ill prophecy, I was requesting those ghosts not to hurt and kill my son and promised to give them everything what they wanted. But I just forget what I promised when my son gets well. And it gets repeated, when he gets sick, I would offer whatever I have, and then forget. This cycle had lasted almost a decade.

The same cycle is being repeated in history of human beings. Just like me, everybody is lost. Most of them don't know what is spirit and what is difference between God and demon. If something bad happens, they go to church and pray. If everything goes well, they just forget about the God. For example, if one gets sick, first goes to a doctor. If doctor can't help, then goes to monk. If that also fails, then goes to shaman. Many of us can't see Tenger and demon. If it happens that someone can see it, everybody including that person would think that it was a mental disorder and prefers to go to psychiatric hospital.

In my personal life, I had to face the worst in order to accept the truth. Grievance over the loss of my first grandchild had opened my eyes and forced me to make up my mind. In order to save my son, we agreed to make him a shaman, which was our last hope. Since then, it's been over a year and we are now used to live with those ghosts in our home. I was hoping that since we have accepted and made our son a shaman, now it is time to live happily ever after. But unfortunately, that was not the end. This time, it was me who fell sick and even couldn't move myself. I didn't want to become a shaman and preferred death, so I was discreetly preparing for suicide. But I had to give up this idea, when ancestral spirits of my son told me that I wouldn't die, instead I would get insane. Losing my sanity would be worse than the death. So I had no choice, but to become a shaman, to accept my ghosts. Luckily, during that one year, I got to know about the ghosts of my son. They were different from what I imagined before. They didn't drink alcohol, didn't like to go somewhere else, but were really jolly to be with. Their sharp mind and clear wisdom was really adorable. Finally I gave up calling them as “ghosts” but started revering to them as “Ancestors”. From them, I learnt that not every spirits are same. Since our ancestors demanded strict disciplined attitude from us, we had to control each and every move and word we made in front of them.

After a year, I became a shaman myself... (to be continued)

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