...I
had everything, nothing to miss in material terms. But still
something was missing inside and it was happiness. There were
sickness and problems. Despite of my sincere attempts, I was failing.
Then I started to approach different religions for help. I supported
my husband to become a Christian and kept my regular visit to Gandan
(Buddhist monastery) to order the prayers for my family. On my way to
Gandan, I used to visit and ask for help from all those who promised
that they can help. Then I went to shaman also. All of them told me
that after their rituals, everything will be fine and I believed
them. However, all of these were just a mere vain. Because I didn't
have real faith and all of them lacked the truth. And this is also
what has happened to human history. Is search for the help and truth,
they have founded many religions, and chose to follow what seemed to
be the sincerest to them. However, none of them helped me.
And
suddenly one day I was told by a shaman that I have to become a
shaman. But I didn't understand anything due to my ignorance. That
time, my perception about shamans was that they are invited to
somewhere, usually at night and do something to work out with demons
while drinking alcohol, so I didn't want to follow such lifestyle.
Plus, I never saw a demon nor a ghost, so I didn't understand such
things. However, I was totally in shock when heard that my son also
has to become a shaman, if not, he will die. I wouldn't dare to lose
my dear son just because of my stubbornness and ignorance. When I
witnessed that ill prophecy, I was requesting those ghosts not to
hurt and kill my son and promised to give them everything what they
wanted. But I just forget what I promised when my son gets well. And
it gets repeated, when he gets sick, I would offer whatever I have,
and then forget. This cycle had lasted almost a decade.
The
same cycle is being repeated in history of human beings. Just like
me, everybody is lost. Most of them don't know what is spirit and
what is difference between God and demon. If something bad happens,
they go to church and pray. If everything goes well, they just forget
about the God. For example, if one gets sick, first goes to a doctor.
If doctor can't help, then goes to monk. If that also fails, then
goes to shaman. Many of us can't see Tenger and demon. If it happens
that someone can see it, everybody including that person would think
that it was a mental disorder and prefers to go to psychiatric
hospital.
In
my personal life, I had to face the worst in order to accept the
truth. Grievance over the loss of my first grandchild had opened my
eyes and forced me to make up my mind. In order to save my son, we
agreed to make him a shaman, which was our last hope. Since then,
it's been over a year and we are now used to live with those ghosts
in our home. I was hoping that since we have accepted and made our
son a shaman, now it is time to live happily ever after. But
unfortunately, that was not the end. This time, it was me who fell
sick and even couldn't move myself. I didn't want to become a shaman
and preferred death, so I was discreetly preparing for suicide. But I
had to give up this idea, when ancestral spirits of my son told me
that I wouldn't die, instead I would get insane. Losing my sanity
would be worse than the death. So I had no choice, but to become a
shaman, to accept my ghosts. Luckily, during that one year, I got to
know about the ghosts of my son. They were different from what I
imagined before. They didn't drink alcohol, didn't like to go
somewhere else, but were really jolly to be with. Their sharp mind
and clear wisdom was really adorable. Finally I gave up calling them
as “ghosts” but started revering to them as “Ancestors”.
From them, I learnt that not every spirits are same. Since our
ancestors demanded strict disciplined attitude from us, we had to
control each and every move and word we made in front of them.
After
a year, I became a shaman myself... (to be continued)
